oWoD’s End Through Snarky Eyes

The below is from this post on RPG.net, several years ago when the oWoD reached the logical conclusion and killed itself.

It’s very old news, but I really liked how this person described the events of the last few years of the oWoD. It doesn’t include the actual ToJ stuff, just the leadup (IE the events on or about the time of the games’ revised editions). As much as anything, I’m posting it here so I can find it again more easily, but I thought I’d share with a few of my old WoD friends.

It all starts with the Gangrel leaving the Camarilla, because Xavier found
out the truth about the antediluvians. So he’s like, “Hey, you bastards,
you’re vampires, you’re not suppose to lie. Now I know the truth, and I’m
gonna tell Mulder.” Since he’s so noble and gullible enough to actually
believe what all the other elders have been saying all these centuries,
Xavier walks away sobbing, cuz his fellow vampires have betrayed him. Most
of the other Gangrel leave, too, cuz, you know, Xavier said so.

But you can still play a Gangrel. You’re just on your own, and your life
pretty much sucks.

Then a big red star shows up in the sky, that only the supernaturals can
see, and everyone goes, “uh-oh”, but no one can figure out which game line
it affects. “Is that the eye of the Wyrm?” “I dunno.” “How ’bout the
first sign of the Final Nights?” “I dunno.” Only a lone pooka discovers
the truth: “Watch out, it’s a cross-over metaplot coming!” But he’s killed
before he can reveal anything to the unsuspecting world.

Then a bunch of randy vampires start showing up, some even able to survive
the day, and the vampire community is sent into a tizzy. “You mean, this is
the first time we’ve ever had 14th or 15th generation vampires? No one’s
ever done this thing before? The Tremere didn’t even experiment?” “Nope.
See. The red star. It’s all in the red star. Nothing can happen before
the red star.” “Well, that sucks. What should we do?” “Well, we do what
we always do. Whenever something shows up we don’t understand, we
interpret it as the first sign of Gehenna and kill it.” “I thought the
return of Aerosmith was the first sign?” “Well then, the second sign.”

While down in Mexico, a bunch of Sabbat Tremere antitribu are invited to
this big piñata party being hosted by Tremere/Goratrix/Saulot, or whoever ~
it’s a party, who cares! From all over the world, the Tremere antitribu
show up, most likely summoned with mondo Presence, and also because they’ve
never been known to miss a party, especially with the promise of free
Cuervo. Only one Tremere antitribu is suspicious enough to wonder, “Why are
we all here?” Another Tremere antitribu says, “Probably so we can all get
killed.” And they both have a good laugh, cuz they know how contrary that
is to vampire beliefs. Elders killing off their offspring? Get outta here!
Besides, being Sabbat, they’re ready for any antediluvian nonsense anyway.
So, everyone’s having a rocking good time, dancing to some Prince tunes,
maybe a slow song or two for the lovers out there, and then the host
suddenly decides to up and kill everyone. Talk about a party pooper. Just
because someone forgot the salsa! And as he’s disintegrating into ash, the
lone suspicious Tremere antitribu says, “Dammit! I knew that red star meant
something!”

But you can still play a Tremere antitribu. You’re just on your own, and
your life pretty much sucks.

Then out of nowhere, the Kuei-jin start showing up, having this
sophisticated society no one noticed until now. And boy are they pissed.
Look at what these Westerners have done to Hong Kong and Tokyo ~ help to
raise their economies, raise everyone’s standard of living, and now even the
lowliest peasant can eat by buying a happy meal at McDonalds. “Those
bastards!” they all cry, “We must have vengeance.”

So some of the cool Chow Yun Fat-looking Kuei-jin ~ never once taking off
their sunglasses ~ head out to California, and in a short period of time,
manage to dismantle the entire Anarch Free States. No one can figure out
how, though ~ not even the elders of the Blood Court or the Camarilla. The
anarchs are even more confused, because each fight they got into, always the
same thing seemed to happen. The Kuei-jin would start to do some dance, and
say she was using Superdooper Shintai 4: Thrashing the Tongue of the
Immortal Serpent. And then the Kuei-jin would stop and say, “Wait, does
that cost Yin Chi or Yang Chi? What do I roll again? Do I need to make a
P’o roll? And what does it exactly do again?” The fight between the
anarchs and the Kuei-jin comes to a grinding halt, as all the Kuei-jin pull
out their rule books, and start looking up their powers. The anarchs don’t
stomp on them during that moment, cuz they all are known for fighting fair.

Sometime during this whole mess, almost all of the Stargazers leave the
Garou Nation, mainly to help out their brothers in the Beast Courts back
home (who are just having the hardest time of it, the tea ceremonies and
all), and mainly because they are sick of being asked, “What country are you
from?” and “Do you speak English?” by all the other Garou. The other Garou
are happy to see them go. “They were a stupid tribe to begin with!” The
only people that seem to miss them are the munchkins who played Stargazers
with Kalindo 5.

But you can still play a Stargazer. You’re just on your own, and your life
pretty much sucks.

Then, out there in India, Bangladesh, or Pakistan ~ somewhere that Americans
don’t have to deal with the consequences ~ the Ravnos antediluvian pops up,
and the first thing he wants to do is get into a massive kung-fu fight.
Three bad-ass Kuei-jin show up to avenge the death of their masters, I
think, or just to show off their Dragon-Tiger-Crane Style kung-fu. The
Ravnos ante previously sent a summons out to all the Ravnos in the world to
join him in this WWF no-holds-barred title match, cuz, dammit, he’s an
antediluvian and he wants that belt! Ravnos start showing up, and no one
suddenly notices all the pale bloodsuckers on the airplanes, or the fact
that their wallets are missing. Only one Ravnos is suspicious enough to
wonder, “Why are we all here?” Another Ravnos says, “Probably so we can all
get killed.” And they both have a good laugh, cuz they know how contrary
that is to vampire beliefs.

Then, the Technocracy ~ those masters of logic, deductive reasoning,
technology, and Dr. Strangelove type thinking ~ decides to nuke the site of
the battle from orbit. Just in case. Killing or radiating millions of
innocent, non-American, non-European people, effectively destroying a
vampire clan, and the three kung-fu bad-asses, and the whole world goes, eh,
so what. A nuke went off in an area known for being a hotbed of war
tension, but no one really says or does anything. After all, it was just a
nuke ~ jeez, it’s not like it was the first time a nuke has been set off in
the world. After the fall-out, Kuei-jin wonder if they should have sent
Jackie Chan instead, and the Ravnos have been stomped into a bloodline like
those silly opera singers.

But you can still play a Ravnos. You’re just on your own, and your life
pretty much sucks.

Somehow, during this whole mess, the Rom from the World of Darkness: Gypsies
book don’t get involved, even though the book is being reprinted. Maybe it
was because the book got such harsh criticism that it forced White Wolf to
shelve World of Darkness: Whitey and World of Darkness: Negro and World of
Darkness: Heathen Chinee ~ but all the Gypsies were pretty much kept out of
the fray.

But the Ravnos antediluvian is not the only one to have appeared. The
Tzimisce ~ you know, the guys who always pronounce their names with a lisp ~
ante is now underneath New York City, mainly because he’s always wanted to
see Cats live and on stage. He’s still waiting for a show that isn’t sold
out. And in Russia, Baba Yaga dies at the hand of bigger bad-ass vampire,
and all the Garou in Russia go, “Damn that was easy. Why did we even bother
to fight? All we had to do was wait.” And the Assamites are having a time
of it, because they are no longer cursed, but their risen Methuselah
super-badass wants them to go out and kill even MORE people. What is an
Assamite suppose to do? At least, Ur-Shulgi didn’t invite them to a party.

The Technocracy isn’t the only nuke happy bunch. In the Underworld,
wraiths are basically having ectoplasmic orgasms with all the bombs they
found. They decide to use it on the vampire city of Enoch, for no real
reason, except they just hate those bloodsuckers, and because lots of people
didn’t like the Dirty Secrets of the Black Hand book. Someone points out to
the Smiling Lord (I think) that the last great Maelstrom was caused by a
nuke, and it nearly destroyed the underworld. The Smiling Lord (I think)
says, “So? And what’s your point?” Charon doesn’t get involved because
he’s mortal now. Apparently they could never get cable down in Stygia, and
he’s been missing all his Buffy episodes. Besides, he finally gets to eat
pizza that doesn’t scream at him as he bites into it. Oh, yeah, nearly
forgot, the Jade Empire decides to attack Stygia, because heck, the Kuei-jin
are doing it, why not them? Nukes go off and boom goes the most of the
Underworld. Stygia and several necropoli are destroyed, and there’s no
longer a civilization for most Wraiths.

But you can still play a Wraith. You’re just on your own, and your life
pretty much sucks.

While in the Mage world, everything also blows up. Basically almost every
supplement written before Mage Rev has essentially been destroyed and made
irrelevant to the current metaplot. Chantries, Horizon, the Digital Web,
Book of Barriers ~ all wave bye-bye. Now Mage can have more of that gritty
Matrix feel. However, there is significant net criticism from the Holy
Blood Cult of Brucato that they don’t like this new Matrix feel, and they
wish they had taken the other pill instead. In the new book, the
Technocracy discovers that humans are mostly apathetic. Duh, a nuke went
off in India, and no one even batted an eyelid. The Eastern Technocracy is
known as the Zaibatsu (?), and they have different goals from the regular
Technocracy ~ and they figure if this Technocracy gig doesn’t work out,
Zaibatsu would make a great name for a new car company. Even though the
Ascension War is over (a war that no one to this day still fully
understands), everyone’s still shooting each other. The Technocracy has
won, but that’s mostly because the Traditions were still trying to figure
out what was vulgar and what was vulgar w/o witnesses and what was
coincidental. The last Mage who brought up the whiskey flask example was
drawn and quartered several years back.

But you can still play a Mage. You’re just on your own, and your life
pretty much sucks.

In Changeling, High King David suddenly ups and disappears, which is the
first time this plot point has ever occurred in a White Wolf book (except
maybe with Charon, or Dante, or Caine, or Saulot). Everyone’s now at war
with one another, and all the pookas can do is wonder why every one is so
damn serious all of a sudden. Once upon a time, the worst enemy was the
schoolteacher. Maybe the Fae have been itchin’ to get into a major
confrontation for a long time now, ever since they didn’t have to use those
damn cards anymore. So a war is going on, with people waving fake swords
around and saying “forsooth” a lot, and no one really pays attention.

As a result of the destruction of the Underworld, wraiths and spectres are
forced out into the mortal world, where they haunt people more, or where
they become zombies, or where they just leave the toilet seat up ~ just
being nuisances all around. A chosen few known as the Imbued ~ not because
of alcohol intake, but because they couldn’t figure out another cooler
sounding name, since all the other game lines had taken the best ones ~ they
start to notice all the supernaturals around them. Upon doing so, they get
neato powers, too, so they can kill these monsters. But they must also
choose one overwhelming philosophy, called a Creed, that dictates what they
think of supernatural creatures. The Do-I-Try-To-Heal-Them Creed, the
Kill-Em-All Creed, or the Protect-Humanity Creed. For some reason, there’s
no Oh-Shit-I-Run-Like-Hell Creed. There’s no mixing and matching, you
pretty much view all the supernaturals the same. The old hunters in Hunters
Hunted are just normal humans, even more normal than these hunters with
powers, so they must suck.

But you can still play an old Hunters Hunted character. You’re just on your
own, and your life pretty much sucks.

And as a result, culmination, whatever, of all these preceding events,
Osiris finally gets his lazy ass out of bed, just in time for the Ghost
Storm to hit the Egyptian underworld. He protects some mummies, while the
rest get shredded to bits. The few mummies that survive in the mortal world
end up getting weaker. Osiris goes, “well, that sucks”, and distributes a
new spell of life to all those cults that have been waiting for his return
all these thousands of years. They make brand new, fresh off the lot
mummies, and the assembly lines can’t move fast enough to meet the demand.
Since the cultists don’t have an emergency pull chord like those guys who
work for Saturn, some of these mummies are a little, uh, off. All new
mummies have to take these occasional doctoral exams in front of the Big Bad
Mummy Committee to see if they can get more buff. Osiris is the harshest
judge, saying things like, “Is that your final answer?” No new mummies can
use a life-line or call a friend.

But you can still play one of the original Mummy characters. You’re just on
your own, and your life pretty much sucks.

So now, when you’re walking down the streets of the World of Darkness, and
you meet some guy in a black trench coat, with long hair in a ponytail, in
dark sunglasses, and holding a katana, you can ask: “What are you? A
vampire?” “Nope.” “A mage?” “Nope.” “A hunter?” “Nope. Keep trying,
you’ll get there.” “Are you from the Net Highlander supplement?” “Nope.”
“A gamer with an inferiority complex, social problems, and some deep-seated
aggressive feelings?” “Nope.” “Then what are you?” “I’m a Mummy.” “Uh.
Yeah. You’re kidding, right?” “Mummies never kid! Die, agent of that big
evil snake thingee that I can’t quite pronounce!”

And btw, Xavier never got hold of Mulder. Some guy named Doggett was there.

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