On Work, and Life, and Stuff

Talking about myself alert! Yes, it’s one of those rare posts.

So far, as of the end of day 1 I think I’ll be able to deal with this job for some time. I do feel that this job coming my way is a blessing, and I felt guidance as I went through the testing and interview process. I felt some things that I’ve been sorely lacking of late: peace and real self-confidence.

It’s interesting (in an unhappy sort of way) how being out of work and going through the leadup to losing that last job preyed on my mind. It wasn’t just tough on the pocketbook, though it was definitely that. It’s been brutal on my self-respect. At first, I had the “okay, at least this’ll help me go through school” to keep the rats that were gnawing at my self-worth at bay at least a little. Then I graduated, which was great in many ways, but like other large, positive changes was traumatic too, and left me bouyed but vulnerable.

It has been easy in the rush of church duties, leadership and other things like family life to just not consciously think about this, but it never went away. People have counted on my leadership abilities to pull so many things together, and I’ve basically been healing others’ wounds while I’ve had a slow bleeder of my own. The love I feel for the young people of my group, and the sense of accomplishment I get seeing them grow stronger… those are great things, but they’ve also been a tool for distracting myself from something, for coping.

That feeling of inadequacy, and failure, and doubt that I’m doing enough. It’s nagged and nagged in my more introspective and honest moments.

It’s funny, in a way. My beliefs and my desire to serve faithfully and do well by others? Those I don’t doubt, not for a second. The calling I receved from the Lord to serve? Total assurance. General faith in myself? Now there… there I have difficulty.

I feel that I should provide for my family and do an honest day’s labor for an honest day’s living, and I want my wife to be able to do what she wants, namely to study again. We’re so behind in so many things, in terms of where we ‘should be’ at our ages… and I feel I’ve been a drag on her in that respect. If I’d been done with school and in a good job when I should have been, she’d be done with grad school by now rather than just finally able to start getting round to entering it.

For some time now I’ve failed on all of these very important things, and it’s been killing me. It hasn’t done my relationship with her any good either, given the guilt and self-loathing I’ve been dragging around with me. There’s no way that kind of thing won’t hurt a marriage. We definitely love each other and we’re trying to do our best, and in fact we’re doing pretty well considering the circumstances… but it could be much better. I’m trying to communicate better with her lately, and that helps.

So getting a decent full-time job that offers those benefits and all that important stuff… that’s huge for me. Being offered a position that I actually wanted… was a great feeling. It partially lifted that massive load from ym shoulders, or at least showed some hope of it being lifted. Hopefully I can start repairing some of the damage now. The damage I’ve done to myself and to my relationship with my wife.

At least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and for once it’s not a train.

And off to bed.

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4 Responses to “On Work, and Life, and Stuff”

  1. creativedv8tion Says:

    Yeah, unemployment always sucks and is hard to deal with, even when there are other things to balance it out. Glad to hear you found something you seem to be happy with.

  2. bosantibe Says:

    Ah, love is great, isn’t it? It’ll pull you through a lot of things, but then it picks up the extra strain along the way oftentimes. It’s good to hear that things are subtly improving in your case, rather than the alternative.

  3. uhlrik Says:

    Yes, love is great even though it hurts at times.

    Here’s hoping that things keep trending upwards.

  4. uhlrik Says:

    Smile when you say that, my friend.

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On Work, and Life, and Stuff

Talking about myself alert! Yes, it’s one of those rare posts.

So far, as of the end of day 1 I think I’ll be able to deal with this job for some time. I do feel that this job coming my way is a blessing, and I felt guidance as I went through the testing and interview process. I felt some things that I’ve been sorely lacking of late: peace and real self-confidence.

It’s interesting (in an unhappy sort of way) how being out of work and going through the leadup to losing that last job preyed on my mind. It wasn’t just tough on the pocketbook, though it was definitely that. It’s been brutal on my self-respect. At first, I had the “okay, at least this’ll help me go through school” to keep the rats that were gnawing at my self-worth at bay at least a little. Then I graduated, which was great in many ways, but like other large, positive changes was traumatic too, and left me bouyed but vulnerable.

It has been easy in the rush of church duties, leadership and other things like family life to just not consciously think about this, but it never went away. People have counted on my leadership abilities to pull so many things together, and I’ve basically been healing others’ wounds while I’ve had a slow bleeder of my own. The love I feel for the young people of my group, and the sense of accomplishment I get seeing them grow stronger… those are great things, but they’ve also been a tool for distracting myself from something, for coping.

That feeling of inadequacy, and failure, and doubt that I’m doing enough. It’s nagged and nagged in my more introspective and honest moments.

It’s funny, in a way. My beliefs and my desire to serve faithfully and do well by others? Those I don’t doubt, not for a second. The calling I receved from the Lord to serve? Total assurance. General faith in myself? Now there… there I have difficulty.

I feel that I should provide for my family and do an honest day’s labor for an honest day’s living, and I want my wife to be able to do what she wants, namely to study again. We’re so behind in so many things, in terms of where we ‘should be’ at our ages… and I feel I’ve been a drag on her in that respect. If I’d been done with school and in a good job when I should have been, she’d be done with grad school by now rather than just finally able to start getting round to entering it.

For some time now I’ve failed on all of these very important things, and it’s been killing me. It hasn’t done my relationship with her any good either, given the guilt and self-loathing I’ve been dragging around with me. There’s no way that kind of thing won’t hurt a marriage. We definitely love each other and we’re trying to do our best, and in fact we’re doing pretty well considering the circumstances… but it could be much better. I’m trying to communicate better with her lately, and that helps.

So getting a decent full-time job that offers those benefits and all that important stuff… that’s huge for me. Being offered a position that I actually wanted… was a great feeling. It partially lifted that massive load from ym shoulders, or at least showed some hope of it being lifted. Hopefully I can start repairing some of the damage now. The damage I’ve done to myself and to my relationship with my wife.

At least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and for once it’s not a train.

And off to bed.

5 Responses to “On Work, and Life, and Stuff”

  1. creativedv8tion Says:

    Yeah, unemployment always sucks and is hard to deal with, even when there are other things to balance it out. Glad to hear you found something you seem to be happy with.

  2. bosantibe Says:

    Ah, love is great, isn’t it? It’ll pull you through a lot of things, but then it picks up the extra strain along the way oftentimes. It’s good to hear that things are subtly improving in your case, rather than the alternative.

  3. uhlrik Says:

    Thank you very much, Terry. I appreciate it.

  4. creativedv8tion Says:

    No problem.

    Now stop being so emo, or at least serve some cheese with that whine. 😉

  5. creativedv8tion Says:

    Do you see the smiley? Need to borrow my glasses?

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