In The News: Excessive Edition. Now With Extra Germanity!

3 Arrested In ‘Baby Shower Gone Bad’

“This’s supposed to be a happy occasion! Let’s not bicker and argue, ’bout who killed who…”
Man, that’s a bad party… a baby shower erupting in gunfire. Speaking of which.. I used to live in Springfield. Somehow, this seems entirely normal for Springfield.

Danish Security Guards Steal From Sick Children

Ooh… that’s just wrong. Especially cancer and heart transplant patients. Seriously low. Maybe these guards ought to go to the party from the previous story so somebody will beat them with a stick.

“He didn’t think the round was live.”

Obviously. I mean, I tend not to use explosives as a blunt instrument. This gives a whole new meaning to going after flies with a shotgun. I hope he at least got the bug…
Speaking of which, my wife’s response to this story is as follows: “Hmm. Boy. figures.” This makes me proud to be Californian. Look out Cam.

Jerry Garcia’s Toilet Stolen After Legal Battle

Yet more reasons to be proud of my state. People fighting a legal battle over a toilet, and somebody else thinking it was worth stealing. Possible suspect profiles include “a wayward Deadhead or a thief remodeling a bathroom.”

Jesus Discovers Giant Pyramid In Mexico City

Okay, this story is inherently cool, and I’m glad Jesus helped us out like that… but I’m really not impressed with the people of Mexico City here. I mean, like… how do you miss a giant freaking pyramid in your own capitol?

There’s A City in India Named THIRUVANANTHAPURAM.

Oh, and some movie driector there wants Paris Hilton to play Mother Theresa. Whuh?
“Hilton’s prior movie experience includes appearing in a home-made sex video made by a former boyfriend that appeared on the Internet, and parts in several Hollywood B-films.” From this to Mother Theesa…. I smell protests in the offing.

Donkeys Better Than Wives, according to Indian Textbook.

This message brought to you by Divorce Court, now in its 7th season on Fox!

Germans Lose Keys To Nuclear Power Plant

No comment necessary… but at least now we know what’s in the water over there.

German Drivers 56 Times Safer Than in 1905

Like…. seriously, should I run my Germanity stories as an entirely separate feature?

British Airlines Classify Swedish Delicacy With Shoe Bombs and Firearms.

I can picture Richard Reed’s spiritual successor getting arrested on a plane for trying to surreptitiously puncture a tin of rotten fish.

Spider-Hunting Nudist Ends Up With Ring of Fire

Naked Pyromaniacs! Deadly Arachnids! Charred Buttocks! Exclamation Points! What more could you want!?!?

This is what happens when I fall off the earth for a couple of days. The whole world collapses in on itself in a wave of absurdity. Geesh. Next time I leave I’ll make sure to hire a babysitter.

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