Public Service Message

DHS Threat Advisory

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

The new DHS website has a number of helpful warning signs. They are very clear and informative, and will surely help you be safer. I provide them below along with their correct interpretations so that you can be a) protected and b) proud of where your tax money is going.

fire biological Fire and biological weaponry are very exciting.
cower In the event of the sky falling, your computer will protect you.
breath Take a breath mint. Seriously.
 shoulder arrow If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it to the wall with your shoulder.
arrow exit If the door is jammed, you can pry it open with that giant arrow you already beat into submission.
karate If the arrows fail to open the jammed door, a karate chop will suffice.
no elevators Elevators are in league with the terrorists and hate democracy.
poison gas Poison gas will make you collapse and die. Deal with it.
jacksonIf you spot this cross-dressing smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes… run away. Run far away.
fire run If you have set yourself on fire, do not run. (this is almost identical to the actual caption)
contact lens If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
family Settle down, have kids and shop at Wal-Mart or the terrorists have already won.
Do not buy a burning house.
flashlight Flashlight beams can lift collapsed walls right off you.
lightsaber If that does not work, you can pretend that the flashlight is a lightsaber while waiting to be rescued.
rubble fart If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
vin diesel If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorist whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, just yell really loud and frighten the terrorists away.
wash phone After you wash your hands, call your mother and tell her. She will be very proud of you.
talking organs If your lungs and stomach start talking to you, you really need more medication.
tattoo If you are sprayed with an unkown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.
hurricane Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.
media Everything you watch on TV or hear on the radio is completely fair, balanced, trustworthy and reliable. Call your friends and make sure they are tuned in too.
leprosy Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
wash THe proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one (1) armless hand.
ground zero  Even if you’re a couple blocks away from a nuclear blast, you’re still screwed.
cardboard A one-inch thick piece of drywall should be sufficient protection against radiation.
ground rad  Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
giant After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
swerve In the event of a bombing, swerve off the side of the road. You can watch the panicked stampedes better from there.
pole Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
dangerous  Sitting in this position while driving is very dangerous.
files Pay no attention to the evidence in those filing cabinets.
mutant If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that crap.
run If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or D’Side on the radio, cower in the corner or run for your life.
medecine  Take your pills. Your HMO likes you better when you’re docile.
food Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you’ll be able to enjoy a coke and sardines before you die.

Do you feel safer yet?

edit: I added another one. Whee.


4 Responses to “Public Service Message”

  1. nightowl33 Says:

    LOL … loving it! Hope you don’t mind if I share it with some friends, with a link to you of course??

  2. creativedv8tion Says:

    Dude, that’s so obviously a handheld tractor beam. Nobody uses flashlights any more when there’s low-light vision enhancing drugs and bioware.

  3. uhlrik Says:

    I put that in there just to see if you were paying attention. You passed the test.

  4. uhlrik Says:

    Oh, I added a new one in there too. The one with the giant mutant.

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